Film Review: Immortals

On Wednesday I went to see Immortals, the new action-drama based on greek mythical character Theseus. It wasn't the original plan to see that film on that day. Originally I had intended to see Ides of March but odd things were happening that day - a friend cancelled rather unexpectedly and there was a fire at the station, making me miss the showing - so we took it as an omen that we should go and see The Immortals instead.

With hindsight I realise that they were not omens that were encouraging me to see this film but in fact discouraging me. As another friend cared to point out, bad things always happen in threes.

As I mentioned before, it wasn't in my original plan to see this film but that's not to say I didn't have any intention of seeing this film. I had every intention f seeing this film - and thats what makes this so painful. I had truly overhyped this film in my head.

That awkward moment when the costume shop only has the chest-plate and skirt combo left

The initial reason for seeing this film was purely an aesthetic one. No, I'm not referring to the beautiful cinematography but Henry Cavill instead. I've really admired (I'm trying to think of another word that doesn't make me come across creepy) him since I began watching The Tudors a few years back. When The Tudors came to an end I pondered when I would next see him on screen, big or small, and proceeded to google his IMDB page. I came across the entry for Immortals and was intrigued. Not only was he going to be a main lead in a new film but he was to feauture in a tale from greek mythology - for which I am a sucker for.

So I'd been anticipating this film for well over a year as you can imagine. And it wasn't just Henry Cavill's name to the credits that excited me - I was glad to see other actors such as Stephen Dorff (Blade) and Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler) added to the list. I had even heard good things about the director Tarsem Singh, mostly for his 2006 film The Fall, and his particular visual style.

Alas, the excitement that precipitated the viewing of Immortals is what made it all the more worse when I think about it. I've seen some bad films in my time. And whilst this is not the worst film I have ever paid to see in cinema (Norbit and My Super Ex-Girlfriend share that honour), it was a close contender.

I'm even struggling to start with what was wrong, so I'm going to focus on the positives (what little there is) first.

There are no front-runners for Oscars here but it's still a fairly pleasable performance in general. And for that Henry Cavill should be grateful because if the general public were to be criticising his acting instead of everything else in this film then it really wouldn't bode well for his next big cinematic outing - Superman. And some credit has to go to a lot of the actors since the script was probably one of the most lacking parts on this film. In a way Cavill sort of underperforms, he doesn't quite pack as much punch as you would expect for a main character. But it sets off neatly against Rourke's over-the-top style, which for the most part involves a lot of growling (I felt most of his dialogue required subtitles) and beating/maiming everyone. Freida Pinto's portrayal in this film is much like that in Rise of the Planet of the Apes - a gorgeous girl but her character is rather uninspiring. I was glad to see Stephen Dorff but his character was some odd sidekick called Stavros nonetheless played with Dorff's usual charm.

Visually this film was a treat. Now and then there are the odd scenes where you think the blue screen work was done by a recent graduate, but they're mere moments out of the entire 110 minutes. The opening scene featuring the Titans sealed up in a cage deep in a beautfullly designed chasm has you firlmy in its grip.

But sadly the rest of the film completely loses hold of you, leaving your mind wondering why you even bothered to see this film.

I would not recommmend this to someone who is a fan of greek mythology, even in the slightest fashion. Many people I know were dissapointed by Troy, as it ommited some relevant details and then decied to go for the typical happy Hollywood ending where Paris and Helen run off into the sunset together. If you think that film pissed all over one of the oldest tales ever told, I'd dread to think what you'll make of Immortals. The only resemblance it has to the myths is that Cavills character shares the name of Theseus...and that's about it. I nearly choked on my water when Zeus (played by Luke Evans) proclaimed that the gods do not intefere with the affairs of the mortals. The gods were known for their endless interference in the lives of the mortals.

But that's not even my biggest gripe with this film. That lies with the plot - or the complete lack thereof. Whilst the main objective was for Theseus (Cavill) to prevent King Hyperion (Rourke) from getting the Epicurs bow that would unleash the Titans, the general plot was completely nonsensical. A lot of the characters actions and reasoning were beyond understanding. A lot of the fight scenes (save for the fight with the gods and the titans) started of promising with brutality and fluidity but then spiralled into a free for all melee with men just randomly lunging at each other. It's like the fight choreographer only stayed for the beginning and then allowed the actors to improvise the rest.

I lamented earlier that I needed subtitles to understand Rourke but it is really Singh's direction that it utterly lost in translation. I always feel that films should leave you with an intense feeling or at least convey a message at the end. My feeling after the film was of intense disappointment that I had wasted £6.50 (bear in mind it was a 2-for-1 offer, so I didn't even pay full price!) and the message I received from Singh is so incoherent that not even the Rosetta Stone or Google Translate can figure it out.